It's a **BLEEP** Day for a **BLEEPING** Wedding so **BLEEP** YOU, BUDDY!

Lately, I've been on a CASE (Copy and share/steal everything-complete explanation and rules in my previous entry) spree.

I go through stages with this hobby. I'll spend weeks CASE'ing things I love, then return to creating my own stuff. I feel it's mostly due to a desire to focus on learning techniques; like using a brayer, complex layering, alternate uses for tools, and learning how NOT to operate a hot glue gun.

If I have to be totally honest, though, most of my 'mastering techniques' stage mainly involves learning to prevent myself from injuring ME, as opposed to actually mastering anything. For instance, there are a ton of sharp tools used in paper crafting. The first technique I actually mastered was in keeping a First Aid kit handy and staying current on my tetanus shots. I also learned a valuable lesson about never touching myself above the neck while crafting, in what turned into a life and death emergency near the beginning of this hobby, and which almost rendered me sightless. Fortunately, I received help in the nick of time. My husband was beside himself and worried sick until he was sure I was going to pull through. Like men tend to do, however, he deals with the terror he experienced by trying to inject humor in the retelling of it. Which is probably why he refers to that dark time as the "1500 dollar ER visit to pry my wife's eyes open she'd somehow managed to glue shut using something called Stickles during the Master's Golf Tournament tragedy".

But this was different. I'd spent six weeks purchasing the materials I would need, finding the perfect designer paper and learning how to roll paper roses for my most ambitious project to date. I'd wanted to CASE this card for months and I finally felt I was ready.

It took two days. This project was so intense that I actually had to purchase a hot glue gun and...in what was a first...LEARN TO USE THE DAMN THING THE SAME DAY!

I sweated and cursed and double-checked myself. I ended up having to roll 27 roses to get 3 that were right. MY CHILDREN HAD TO EAT FAST FOOD FOR EVERY MEAL BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY TO COOK FOR THEM!

Wait...that last part is pretty much how it happens at my house all the time. Sorry. I get carried away sometimes.

When the last rose had been hot glued into place and I was wrapping the last bandage around my third degree burns, I took a moment to imagine my husband's pride in my skill and dedication.

See, he'd been on this journey with me. He'd listened to me talk about needing this and that and had actually observed the complexity of the card I wanted to CASE. He knew I was  attempting something out of my league. He'd also looked in on me as I worked and knew my heart and soul was being poured into this. Along with my sweat. Literally. Lots and lots of sweat.

You have to understand...this is the hardest I've ever worked in my life! I gave less effort birthing my three children! I was one of those mother's-to-be that screamed for an epidural before the first contraction...THREE MONTHS before the first contraction! I'm so lazy I actually tried to get out of carrying my own children the entire third trimester!

So, after the last bandage was wrapped (but not before collapsing in tears and raising my hands to the Heavens-a la a Hallmark crazed Norma Rae) I grabbed my phone and texted my husband.

"Finally finished!" I typed.
"Nice!" He answered.

I didn't respond immediately. I would like to say it was due to taking a moment to think before I said something I regretted but, in truth, it was because Apple had yet to invent enough character space to accommodate the obscenities I was planning to send.

"NICE?" I screamed as soon as he walked through the door. "Are you effing kidding me? NICE?"

He paused in the doorway and I almost heard the clicking as he rifled through his memory, trying to figure out what I was talking about. Knowing my fury would intensify if he didn't figure it out quickly, he panicked. "What? What did I...wait! Wait!! The card? The card!," the word sounded close to a sob. He must have seen the answer in my face because he looked relieved.

But then, as men tend to do, he simply failed to stop talking. "What? Why are you mad? I saw it! I told you it was nice!"

I smiled at him. I could see he knew I was, in no way, forgiving him. But I could also see his face showed hope; that sweet, yet incredibly stupid, look of hope that I might let him off the hook for once.

"You're right, honey." I said, calmly. "I shouldn't have taken offense. You DID say it was nice."

I waited for the hope in his eyes to grow until I felt it was significant enough to enjoy crushing it from his very soul. "And I want you to know that being married to you isn't fulfilling, as of today. It's just nice. I used to tell you that you're a wonderful dad, but nice works just as well. Our marital relations were earth shattering, but why bother with those pesky adjectives when the word nice will do?  I'll also drop  'incredible' and substitute 'nice' when I refer to the size of..."

"Okay!" he said, loudly. "I understand! I'm sorry! Really. I thought it was really beautiful work! I was so..."

Blah, blah, blah.

I listened to him play every verbal 'get out of trouble' line he had stored in his meager arsenal. I smiled at him, gently, encouraging him to continue. As he babbled on, I couldn't help but think that I had, in mere hours, hit a new high in my crafting and in my marriage. There would be one less unacceptable, hurtful...what am I saying...one less VULGAR word uttered in my home by a thoughtless man, as of this moment.

I walked away with him still babbling something about his sense of self-worth doubling (or trebling) every second I was in his life, and headed to get my hands on more paper; I found myself hungry to create something beautiful...something clean...something pure, in my  harmonious and peaceful abode.

Now...where the f**k did I put those Stickles?

***I'd like to extend a very special thank-you to Lee Ann, who originally created this card back in January. It should be hitting her blog http://greytpapercrafts.blogspot.com/
in several weeks, but you can go to her blog and access this card and even more of her works at my favorite hangout, Splitcoast Stampers. She has a link to her gallery at SCS from her blog. I appreciate her being kind enough to lend her talent to so many of us and show us the things that are truly possible, we would never have believed were. If you want to be blown away, visit her blog and then head to SCS. The talent that resides there is immense and everyone is always eager to send a kind word and answer questions. They'll even tolerate a stalker, occasionally. At least, I know they'll tolerate a stalker without filing a restraint order. As far as I know. Or think. Oh, crap. I'd probably better check on that.

Paper, Stamps, Ribbons and Meth...The Secret to Stamping Success

I honestly have no idea what happened. One moment, I'm creating original cards like I'm a Hallmark on Adderall. There was no challenge too great to field, and no child too favored  to toss out of the craft room. I actually felt I was on my way to being a REAL Papercraft Goddess...not just a sarcastic blog title because I couldn't figure out another clever use for the word 'ink'. Well, there was the 'inking along' blog I started. Then, feeling it was too vague, changed it to my name and followed it with 'tINKers'. But even I couldn't feel good about going to a blog that read carmenstinkers.blogspot.com

The point is, I was a madwoman. But each day saw me a little more confident and competent. It was a great feeling, while it lasted.

But then IT came into our lives.

IT stripped me of my earned (albeit slightly delusional) CARDMAKING BIRTHRIGHT legacy and left 80 wt cardstock tasting like ashes in my mouth and saw my Copics reduced to one kid's need for more color variety on his Iron Man Velvet Art endeavor.

When IT opened, we all fell victim. Thus, my absence and subsequent loss of drive, determination and...wait...I think there's another 'D' word but am too drained to dwell on it. DAMN you, IT...you had to take my words, too!

IT happens to be the club pool. That's right...the pool. The entity that calls to my children day and night. "I know you hate me," it whispers in my ear, "I know you despise having to run around in a bathing skirt instead of bathing suit, but if you DON'T bring your children to me, they'll run wild in the house and you'll have to entertain them." 

Needless to say, the pool wins.

On a side note, (which is just really a nice way to say my brain veered off in some weird direction and I want you to think I'm merely making some profound connection) the fact we belong to a club is hilarious. Friends are already making bets as to how long it'll be before my hellions get us thrown out. I'm in at 2 months and 17 days. I wasn't allowed to bet so I used a shill. Hey...mama's gonna need the cash to put all three in a daycare if this fails.

But...back to my cardmaking dilemma. The really sad thing about all of this is that I intended to put up two cards I made before going to Austin, TX for the weekend of the 4th. I genuinely felt I couldn't create anything. So, I CASEd several. CASE is an acronym for 'Copy And Share Everything'. The word Share becomes Steal if you don't link to the other person's card. So, to shorten my Confession this week, here's the link for 'bird' and the other for 'tree' and THIS ONE. Gorgeous cards, ladies, and I hope I CASEd them in a way that reflects well upon you. As to me, I'll work on getting that drive back and perhaps figure out things I can do AT the pool which will help me return to the glorious days of my cardmaking, when ideas fell like raindrops and my skill grew with each passing moment.

In short, I just need to find out if strapping a couple of floaties to the kids and leaving them at the pool from 8-5 is okay by Dept. of Child Services Nazis. You never know...they're just so strict about everybody having to raise their on kids! So much for that 'it takes a Village' crap.

Dear Lord, thank you for not letting me be dead.

It all started with a dream. I believed, as did my BFF Melinda, that if we got up enough speed, we could run my bicycle into a low hanging chain and snap it in two.

Melinda was riding tandem that day; her skinny frame didn't weigh much, nor did it take up much room on the back of my banana seat.  My somewhat chubby body enjoyed the premium in space and balance and we were determined to snap. that. chain.

The chain was swinging lazily, about knee-high, across the driveway of the neighborhood's meanest man. I think his name was Mr. White and, along with being stuck with the much cliched nom de' plume, he was a loner and the times he did notice you, he was always yelling. But on that sunny, fall day, he was nowhere to be seen and we decided that chain would provide the perfect test to prove our strength, courage and superiority.

I told Melinda to hold on-it was time to go. She locked her arms around my waist and I began pedaling as fast as I could. We flew down the road. There wasn't a doubt in either mind that the chain was toast.

It's too bad, really, that Beginner Physics isn't taught in 1st grade. I feel that if it were, many boys and girls would be spared the scars that would follow them into adulthood and have to be lasered off or tattooed over in their 20's. I know that had I had a mere basic grasp of Physics, I would not have tried to run, full-speed, into any stationary object. Ever. Not then, not now.

As it were, I raced down that road completely bereft of the knowledge that could have saved me a handful of painful days and nights. We hit the chain, Melinda and I, but instead of snapping, it flew up the front of my bike and clotheslined the both of us. We lay in the road, stunned, as the chain swung wildly (intact) and my wrecked bike's wheel spun lazily. Then, as if on cue, we both began crying.

My cries were guttural. Think of the wine stomping girl on TV who fell and you'll get a good idea of what I sounded like that day. Melinda, on the other hand, began screaming. Between the screams, she talked to the Lord. Most of it was babble but I had no trouble making out one thing she kept saying every few seconds; "Dear Lord, thank you for not letting me be dead. Thank you! aheeeeeeeeah **babble, babble** Dear Lord..." you get the drift.

After repeated bronchitis attacks over the past several months that have left me physically spent, I finally woke up today and felt like I was my old self. I couldn't believe how alive I felt...how cheerfully alive and ready to face the day. Out of nowhere, I looked up and said, "Dear Lord, I would appreciate it if you could pay a little more attention and put a little more effort into my continued good health."

I think I may just go looking for a chain, or two.

Recipe: Designer paper, Girlfriends stamp from "I Brake for Stamps" and sentiment from TPC 'Girlfriends' stamp set. Paper from DCWV "Snapshot Stak". Copics.

Lord, I done gone crazy.

For Simon Says Stamp! I've ordered quite a bit from SSS but never entered their contests. This contest, however, featured my fave CAS stamps and Prima paper...two of my greatest loves!!! Sentiment and stamps from CAS Loving Thoughts and Prima Doodle Deux paper collection. Over the top bling or, as I call it 'blang', compliments of yours truly. Onto some more sketches, I think!

Under the Sea, it's CAS-4 and Me

Here we are again! It's another CAS challenge and we were asked to stamp on printed paper. Maybe I'm just getting to the point where that having fun is OH-TAY. I really like that.

So here's our gold tinsel glitter embossing powder and Whisper White craft ink. The stamp is from Stampendous and the sentiment from CAS 'Loving Thoughts'. After a dry spell of 5 days, I'm on a card binge. I'll make sure to upload ALL my work today.

And I'll do just that....once I wake up from my nap.

Giddy-up Cowgirl...boy....ummm...person???

It's true...there's a dark side to crafting. I know, I know...you had NO idea. We, card makers, are especially guilty of harboring secret drives to play 'God'. We alter realities at the drop of a hat and without remorse. We are arrogant; WE will show YOU how things are to be done and how to view it. "So, you think this sunflower diecut should be used for a card titled 'Thinking of You'? I'll make it into a sympathy card before you can blink! Mess with me and I may even fussy cut the doggone thing and use it as random blobs in an abstract, mixed media work! What do you think of that, homie?"

Now, you're probably saying, "THANK you for daring to come forward and shed light on the dirty, little secrets of papercrafting! Thank the Lord there are people like YOU who refuse to be a part of such a vile group and courageously expose them for the pond scum they are!" To that, however, I must say stop. Please.

Why? Because I am guilty, too.

That's right. I have fallen into the abyss and want to share my story so others will not be tempted to follow the dark path.

The image above was used in the MFT weekly sketch. I'm desperate to win the 20 dollars up for grabs and was determined to do so. I created the adorable 'TV Show' above, using MFT stamps and dies.

As I was putting the stamps back into the package, I noticed the back said 'CowBOY'. I was shocked! It couldn't be! I'd made her lovely! Do you know how long it took me to color that image with my Copics? Do you think that color of red comes naturally? I even matched the lipstick...that's right...LIPSTICK to the accessories!

Granted, this isn't a terrible thing in itself. I mistook the image and that happens occasionally. But it's what I did next that sealed my guilt. I thought about how much time and effort the project had already taken and how much more it would take to actually redo it. Being inherently lazy, there's no way I'm going to redo something that took me too long to do the first time, so with no guilt or fear of recrimination, I committed an unspeakable act.

I performed an unauthorized sex change on an unwilling...uh...thing...no, that's insensitive...uh...image.

Anyway, my feeling was that those who knew I was wrong wouldn't say anything for fear their OWN sins would be exposed. The people who DIDN'T know...well...they just wouldn't know! To alleviate the guilt that threatened to consume me, I justified my actions by saying, "He really IS too pretty to be an effective Cowboy. He looks great in red lipstick and is too curvy; maybe it's not me that's really to blame. Maybe it's just time he was honest with himself and the rest of the wrangling crew by admitting that not only does he dislike sleeping on the ground and the disgusting smell of cows, but that his rope and spurs secretly excite him for reasons having nothing to do with farm animals."

So went my justification. Until today. Today, the madness stops. I want to admit my own seduction by the dark side of papercrafting and promise to try to stay in the light: Where sunflowers are sunflowers and cowboys are..well..effeminate cowboys, if that's what they think they are and want to be. Or something like that. Hopefully, that sounds more profound than it looks.

Recipe:  
Stamps: MFT Cowboy at Heart 
Paper: Thin cherry wood, whisper white  
Ink: Copics, watercolor pencils 
Accessories: MFT die cut clouds, barbed wire fence, banner, Tim Holtz Ornamental Die

 

Yippe Ki Yay (Fill in the Blank) **evil grin**

Die Hard is one of my favorite movies of all time. Next to Terms of Endearment, Fried Green Tomatoes and Steel Magnolias, of course. I like movies with believable protagonists, who are tough as nails but whose humanity and vulnerability are so authentic, you almost forget it's the specific time of the month where you just want to sit around and watch these type of movies while crying, eating chocolate and dealing with bloat.

Don't get me wrong...Bruce Willis wouldn't have lasted 2 seconds trapped in Truvy's Beauty Shop, nor would he DARE screw around with Debra Winger's medication. But all of the people in these movies are resilient and creative. In short, they kick major heinie while wearing rumpled clothes and a tired smile.

Just like me.

Excuse me, but did you just snort with derision? Don't do that...your face might freeze and it's NOT very ladylike.

Let me just let you people in on a little secret...I would rather run over glass barefoot while spitting on Sally Fields than have to face ditching yet another project that I ruined, right as I was finishing it up. That stress alone is such that I find myself muttering random things like "There's no WAY Crystal Effects look like a snow globe" or "You can't possibly put a *&%$* card together, video yourself doing it AND blog about it...EVERY DAY." over and over.

I'm a freaking HERO, I tell you. Rumpled clothes and all. 

Think this crafting thing isn't stressful? Imagine how I felt when I found that people actually use SEWING MACHINES to stitch cards and I couldn't even thread one...much less sew a straight line!!

Do you know what it's like, trying to follow folding patterns for lever cards or trying to tie beautiful ribbons- or thread them through delicate diecuts when God has burdened you with fat fingers and man-hands?

Or how about charging different orders to different credit cards to hide your addiction, or explaining to your husband why you had to go out and buy a Hallmark card instead of making one because you're too busy trying to complete Vendor challenges and going to cardmaking school?

To H-E-double hockey sticks with Bruce Willis, sadistic Germans and Olympia Dukakis; I GOT your stress RIGHT HERE-next to my overflowing stamp drawer, 42 thousand rolls of ribbon and a box empty ink pads with retired colors I can't refill but can't bring myself to throw away.

So BITE ME, Willis!

Recipe: 
Outer Design: MFT Cowgirl at heart, both image and sentiment
Various Designer, Kraft and self-adhesive cork    
SU! Basic Black and Image stamped in StazOn Brown
Watercolor pencils, Copic Markers, MFT barbed wire die and MFT banner die

Inner Design: Horse Stamp Inkadinkado "Horses", MFT Fence Die, SU! Black Ink