Looking Pretty and Drinking Whiskey-How REAL Women Do It

One of my favorite sayings used to be, when a woman would ask a man if she could help with anything, he'd say "No, you just sit there and look pretty."

Of course, nowadays, you can not only sit and look demurely pretty, you can also hit that sucker with a lawsuit big enough to show him "pretty".

Naturally, the above scenario only applies until you're 35, according to my 86 year-old Great Aunt Pearl. She told me once "It's only sexual harassment until you're 35. After that, it's a compliment."

HEY...don't yell at me!! I'm the messenger! If you want to yell at Great Aunt Pearl, you have at it. As long as you realize she will...and I quote..."take this here cane and knock you into next week so hard that neither one of us will know the day you'll land on."

So, good luck with that.

My posts are going to be just a TAD bit short over the next few weeks. I've got outpatient surgery on the 23rd (that's tomorrow) so I've got to put lots of stuff together to for upcoming posts. Mainly because I'm not sure that writing blog posts while high as a kite on Oxycontin is a good idea. I mean, really...you people see what I write when I'm sober and supposedly controlled by various medications! Just imagine taking those away and doping me up with opioids!

Dang. The more I think about it, the better it sounds.

STOP TRYING TO CONVINCE ME, INNER VOICE OF TRULY BAD IDEAS THAT COME TO ME UNDER THE GUISE OF ARTISTIC EXPERIMENTS THAT END UP WITH NUMEROUS REPRIMANDS FROM MY MOTHERS AND POLITE, YET DISDAINFUL COMMENTS FROM STAMPING ASSOCIATES WHO COMMENT ON THE ART BUT WILL REFUSE TO MENTION THE ACTUAL POST!

Ok. I'm good, now.

Wellll...

This is my last January release post for Technique Junkies. It's called Whiskey and Bacon. 

So, let's start with what this is, exactly...

It's a bar recipe booklet!

I found these brown cards at Hobby lobby, created the folders with paper, copied the recipes and attached them with large magnets

I think the magnets were a good idea. The booklet stays together but then I can pop a page out easily then stick it back. No connections to fray and break. I used to be a big fan of hiding my magnets under the paper, until I saw they started pulling through the paper and wearing it away. Not such a fan, anymore. Just let em' show and color with some Copics. They may not be perfect but it's better than having them rip through the paper and mess up a lot of hard work.

But what I REALLY want to talk about are the oranges above and the bacon on the cover. Specifically the fact that I made those suckers out of CLAY.

That's right. Clay. By myself. First time ever. Watching these two YouTube videos.

For the oranges, I blame thank
this talented lady
(and I really DO suggest you quickly scroll through this video...I had NO idea how these clay fruit canes were made. Now that I do, I totally regret respect knowing what's involved)

For the bacon, that my HFA (high functioning autistic) kid thought was flying poop, I thank
this person

I'll have you know that once it entered my brain that I had to have bacon and oranges to accent the booklet and upon finding that within the vast reaches of this "art studio" (that many refer to as an
s-h-i-tut-hole on a good day) I had neither one available, then I had no choice but to make them both. Since the only available medium I had available was clay, I spent a total of 4-1/2 hours total to make them both. Or twice as long as what it took to make the book.

Oh, the things I do for you people.

Hold up. didn't I say this would be a short post??? I believe I did! So let me wrap this up. I've got some underwear, dental floss and conditioner to pack. And deodorant. You know, the important stuff. 

At any rate, since I just give and give, let me do one more for you. If you use my code at the bottom, you will get 10% off anything you order at Technique Junkies!

Don't forget...the new releases are coming on February 1st!

JUGs Trend Week #518 Create DIMENSION (Shaving NOT Required!)

Ok Ok Ok...I'm going to TRY to be as coherent as possible. But it's just that I'm so EXCITED! And I know that you, as my close confidantes and support systems will want to be excited for me so we can just be excited with each other all over the place!

Ahem. Well...you know what I mean.

Alright, look...I know I purchased over half of you from Fiverr when it was allowed a couple of years ago but let's just move past that already and embrace each other. Figuratively. I'm a little iffy regarding human contact, lately. It's either a fear of becoming too close too people emotionally or catching tuberculosis. I'm working it out in therapy.

I DID consider therapy for awhile. Primarily because it's the only way I can get someone to actually listen to me. Granted, the teens and young adult in my home are legally deaf to me and will remain so until the age of 40, or until their first child hits puberty. And it's quite normal for the Spousal Unit to also meet the federal qualifications for hearing impaired when it comes to his wife's voice. But the Unit should also be equipped to nod and mumble agreement on a regular basis. Just enough for his wife to forget the 20 gauge shotgun in the closet would make for a great "attention getter".

Lately, however, my Unit has doing none of that. It's not even trying. After a month of watching it surreptitiously (Fine. So it wasn't such a reach when all it did was sit in the recliner watching TV, only to break for sustenance or a conference call from work it could nap through.), I finally picked up on the fact he was acting suspiciously and in a manner I would definitely type as "intimate" with another woman.

Alright. So the "other woman" is that Fox News Morning Show blonde girl. But I'm telling you his behavior is still disturbing and I stand by the word "intimate". When I say intimate, it's in the worst way. He pays attention to every word she says, laughs on cue and remembers the names of ALL her children.

He barely remembers the names of ours and he named them.

Don't get me wrong. I acknowledge the blonde on the FMS is a hottie but trust a man to miss what's really important about that woman. And that's the fact that blondie can somehow sit on that couch for hours, five days a week, with her legs crossed, pantyhose perfect, dress form-fitted to show she has not an ounce of fat despite having children and miraculously has not been assaulted by some random female(s) whose husband(s) hang on their every word she says, laughs on cue and know the names of her children while forgetting his own.

But I honestly don't mind. His distraction saves me enormous amounts of time. I no longer have to break my concentration or stop work to answer some silly question like "Who is going to pick up the kids from school?" and "Are you going to the grocery store?" And the all-time fave "What's for dinner?" (Answer Key: You, No, Whatever app you order from.)

I really don't even care that he changed his whole daily routine for her. He used to get up early and get ready to take the kids to school. Now, since one is driving and takes care of the other, the Unit sleeps in a bit and takes a really, really long shower when she goes off the air, which is honestly not like him at...

...not like...

...like...

....not like something I can't live with!!!

Yep. I can live with it. Just like I can live with my hairy legs. And he can too.

It's either the hair or he can put the razor in my hand.

And with that I believe the charges drop a degree or two.

Now, speaking of excitement...I present THIS! My CARD!!!

I said, my CARD. Does this mean nothing to you people?

You KNOW I rarely make cards. I'm a mixed media/assemblage girl. The majority of you gals can do card after beautiful card and I'm so envious. So, I challenged myself this month, to make every other project-be it challenges or for my Technique Junkies DT work-to be card based. And for the Just Us Girls Create Dimension Challenge, I did just that.

Using an Impression Obsession stamp named Lanterns designed by the uber-talented Dina Kowal, I stamped and heat embossed it on glossy cardstock I'd colored with alcohol ink. Then I fussy cut the lanterns.

Using rice paper and Distress reinkers, I created a panel that is actually slanted. There are three layers of tape at the top and one at the bottom. Nice effect. Created tassels for the lanterns and alternated the heights between 1, 2 and 3 layers of mounting tape.

I have NO idea what the Asian symbol is. I hope it's not offensive. But I drew it on my buddy Tim's finding, copying it off a piece of designer paper. And that's it!

I'm also entering this at Splitcoast Stampers:

MIX363 Mixability Challenge Slick Stamping
SC784 Sketch Challenge

THE GIVEAWAY!!!

AND HERE YOU ARE!!!

I'm so proud of you!! You're doing a tremendous job of listening! I've pretty much decided to replace my children with you, so get to packing! 

Oh, I'm just kidding. As if your significant others would survive my offspring for even 24 hours. Then you and I would feel terrible...not to mention possibly be facing manslaughter charges for agreeing to the swap in the first place. 

As we ALL know, today is GIVEAWAY DAY!

Naturally, being that this is my first stab at doing something like this, I had a learning curve or twelve to deal with.

The most important was to give a TIME to end the giveaway. So, by default, the giveaway has to end at 11:59 on January 3rd, which is why you're receiving this post on the 4th.

Secondly, for the record, I was the one who won my giveaway on the first three draws. Therefore, I will refrain from answering posts on giveaway days.

NOW, my friends...the story of "The Giveaway(s)" (yes...more to come...within 48 hours, as a matter of fact).

When we built our home on a postage stamp-sized lot, I said "To Hades with a dining room! No one EVER uses a dining room when they have an eat-in kitchen and 3 young y-chromosomes who will scale the drain pipes and jump to the ledges of their second-floor bedrooms in order to eat in their beds.

I have to say it took me awhile to catch on to the fact they were consuming mass quantities of edibles in their little hibernating spaces-because every bit of food left over they made sure to either consume on subsequent nights OR they made sure to vacuum up, so their rooms were ALWAYS free of food particles!

Dictionary:

vac·u·um

/ˈvakˌyo͞o(ə)m/

Noun 

1:a machine that sucks up food debris from rooms inhabited mostly by y-chromosomes.


"I had to make sure to get the vacuum to take care of the Ding Dong I crushed into the carpet 2 weeks ago."

Example of vacuum:

Sorry...back to my house plans that were keeping you enthralled, I'm sure.

I walled in the dining room and made a study. Well, actually, a playroom, since the kids were small.

When they got older and began to secrete oil and smell...interestingly...and slunk off to their rooms to grow in darkness like the darling little...fungi...they were that I decided to conscript a small portion of the room (a card table and 3 drawer unit from Michaels) and begin stamping.

I began by calling this room from whence all of my artistic endeavors did manifest "The Craft Room". 

Several years later, I decided that the name was too casual; too folksy. I felt I was starting to really churn out art. So, I renamed it "The Art Studio".

What I didn't realize was that my snot-nosed children/spotted fungi had their own name for my sacred space. 

"Hell's Labyrinth"

Oh, wait. There's more.

"Satan's Spa from Hell"

and

"Hell's Hellacious Hell" 

(now they were just saying it because they liked saying Hell)

But they came up with it based on what is now my craft...art....oh...Hell.

Bet you didn't even notice the "vacuum" in the left hand corner, did you?

(The project I'm working on is the paperweight at the bottom of the desk. You may wonder how I work in that tiny space. Yeah. Well. So do I.)

I guess I would have gone to seek some type of redress against them but it does get a little difficult to...ah...ahem...disentangle myself from my room and its materials.

So, the next couple of days, all I hear from the y-chromosomes (to include the spousal unit, who should KNOW by this time to NEVER pick sides...or even SPEAK when it comes to my hobbies, especially when he plays golf and I know for a fact that ONE of his putters is from some Scotty guy and starts at 4 figures) is that I should sell lots of stuff on ebay. You know, cut my losses and take the cash. The spousal unit really liked this idea.

Number one: I HATE selling stuff on ebay.
Number two: I will NOT give them the satisfaction.
Number three: I love you ladies
Number four: I wanted YOU to have it.
Number five: I loved the look on their faces when I told them what I was doing and the retail cost of the packages. 

All right...all right.  The winner???

Carol

WOOT WOOT! Please send your address to papercraftgoddess@gmail.com


But Wait! There's more...

Due to the utterly abysmal turnout AND the fact I need a little more space, I'm sending the rest of you something as well. So, I have lovely runner-up prizes for:

Dee 
Beth 
Judy 
Patti 
Nancy

PLEASE be so kind as to send me your address to the email above. Look at it as a kindness to me. (Believe me...this is only the BEGINNING of a guilt trip...for being Gentiles, my mother could throw a guilt trip that had Jewish mothers taking notes so don't get me started ladies!) Thank you for your understanding. Mmmmwahhhh!

Oh! And before I forget...I've got another awesome giveaway (aka "getting rid of more sh*t in this horror of a room) coming up in 2 days. AND I'll tell you this...get someone to sign up and tell me you're the one responsible in the comments section and you'll both get FIVE entries. Sign up two and they'll get five and you'll get ten. And so on and so on!

Have a wonderful weekend and I'll see you on Monday with even MORE goodies!!!

January 3rd Giveaway UPDATE!

Well, I'm definitely NOT smarter than the average bear. Since I didn't specify a TIME, I'll have to go with 11:59 this evening. Therefore, the post with the winners name will go out at 12:01 a.m. on the 4th EST.

Now...to the SIX people who have been kind enough to say hi in the comments.

I KNOW by TJ teammates and a few others never had intentions of entering the draw but too bad, so sad. You're in it.

Next thing, while we're waiting for 11:59 and the wonderfully written, hysterically funny, touching, etc. etc. blog post I've written containing the name of the grand prize winner, I've decided to send all 6 of you something because you're all such lovely people and I have GOT to get rid of all this stuff want to show you how much you mean to me and show you my thanks. SO-

Please send your mailing addresses to:

papercraftgoddess@gmail.com

And yes...even you...you...Mounties! Or Canoeists! Or Canhooks! 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT CUTSIE NAME IT IS YOU'RE CALLED AND IT'S STRESSING ME OUT! 

Seriously...I can't remember it.

Canadians. There. You people. Send me your addresses. 

WAY too much work, people! 

Ok. While I'm packing fun stuff for you and you're sending me your mailing addys, I'm hoping you'll enjoy my next post and project for Technique Junkies! xoxo

TECHNIQUE JUNKIES BLOG HOP MADNESS!! (And I Give LOTS of Stuff Away!!)

Ok, people. Look. We have a LOT of ground to cover today. You have GOT to keep up. 

I know...you are absolutely blown away that I'm the one staying on-task. Trust me when I say that I'm a little amazed myself! But apparently this is the outcome when you double up on the ol' ADHD medication (by ACCIDENT, thankyouverymuch) then decide a stop at Starbucks is in order. 

I swear, I'm wound so tight I feel like I could run a 10k, chase down and hog tie a bunch of New York Democrats and extricate Mitch McConnell's head from his "ace", as we tend to pronounce it here in the Piedmont area of North Carolina.

Well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration.

But I could definitely walk a 10k!

Oh no I don't! I'm not getting off track! Let's get started. First of all, I'm on my FIRST Design Team. (Raucous cheering in background) I know! I'm thrilled too!!! OMG!

Technique Junkies should be a familiar name to you. They've been on my radar for quite a few years and I've been a customer for as many. The fact I was asked to be on their design team honestly floored me. I never thought I'd ever be good enough to be asked to fill a spot on this team with these talented ladies and I don't think it has sunk in yet. But I'm honored and humbled. And I'm truly, truly grateful.

So all of you please go and buy stuff from them now.

Thank you. Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Now, Technique Junkies is offering 15% off their NEW RELEASES until the 8th.  PAY ATTENTION NOW...THIS IS IMPORTANT. Like I said, 15% off automatically. However, you can use MY 10% off link at the top and get ANOTHER 10% off!! I KNOW!! Aren't you glad I made you pay attention???? Now you can really get a deal on this beauty, Bird and Letter Collage, that I made into a little clock, using embossing powder and a 5 x 5 canvas from the craft store!!

OR you can pick up THIS sentiment stamp that I stamped and cut apart and had my way with...HAH!

Love this dimensional paperweight! I found an old paperweight, used the sentiment stamp Who and What, used the flag and Rosie images (free!!) and it's headed out to my (step) DAUGHTER Danielle! 

I PROMISE I'll have tutorials on both up soon. But hey! You're smart humans...you can figure them out if you get impatient before I get a chance to post them. Right? Right!!

Next...I want you to get inspired by these lovely ladies! Here are the new release posts from the rest of the Technique Junkies as we launch our first blog hop of 2020!!!

Technique Junkies Blog

Beth Norman-Roberts

Ceal Pritchett

Giovana Smith

Holly Brown

Jeanne Streiff

Judy Jackson

Pat Huntoon

Ro Donner

Lynda Pleckan

OK!!!

Now...for the "Petite" Giveaway!

Only 2 requirements. You must be follower of my blawg and leave a comment. That's it. I'll use Robokiller or Robocop or Rococo or whatEVER the name of that number generator is and the winner will receive the following:

Stampin Up! Cardstock Pretty in Pink
150 pc Flat Back Rhinestones
Watercolor Water Brush
Tim Holtz Stacked Words Valentine Die
7 Gypsies Recipe Cards
Graphic 45 6 x 6 Come Away With Me
2 Bead Gallery Bead Strands
2 Tim Holtz Burlap Panels
1 Authentique Paper Pack 6 x 6
Graphic 45 Cheers Party Celebrate Tags
Tim Holtz Halloween Embossing Folder
Dylusions Journaling Tags

Unfortunately, this contest is only open to participants in the US. Boo. Hiss.

Oh, fine. If you win and you're international, I'll put something together for you that's REALLY, REALLY LIGHT. Then I'll draw again for a US resident for the main prize. Are you happy now???

The things I do for love. I am SUCH a fabulous person. Mmwahh. Mmwahh. Hug. Pat. "Oh, you ARE the greatest! Yes you are, punkin! Just the best!"

Oh! Sorry. I just needed a moment of alone time with myself, there.

Winner announced and an ever bigger prize coming up on the 3rd so do NOT delete the email when it comes. Oooohhhh, and don't think I don't know that you've done it before. But let's not quibble. I'm just saying don't do it on the 3rd. It'll be then you'll discover WHY I'm doing this in the first place...and it ain't just to grow my blog numbers. Here's a hint...or three:

1-My boys.
2-Product/Possession-shaming.
3-Hell.

That's all you're getting til the 3rd.

Now go and hop some blogs (that sounds mildly dirty, doesn't it?) and buy some Technique Junkies stamps. Click through on my discount so you get the EXTRA 10% on top of the 15%! No code needed for the 15%...it'll be there waiting. Go...buy...and I'll see you on the 3rd!